quenched

in the mourning

This Chapter..

I've debated on writing this post for a while now. Probably by the time I publish it, I'll have rewritten it until it's not even what I intended it to be in the first place. I have found myself going back and forth between whether sharing is actually worth it. I hate when people overshare online (and find myself doing it often. ugh.) and I didn't want this part of my our story to get pegged as being used to get attention or pity or whatever. But there's something that I've learned recently through conversations with friends... and that is once you shed light on a dark area in your life, it's not so dark anymore. Yeah, there's still shadows. There's still dark corners, but saying out loud, I'm hurting, I'm struggling, I'm frustrated, shines light in those dark, dank places. Like the song that repeats "there's power in the name of Jesus," there's also power in other words when spoken, sometimes they even have the ability to drain the power from the darkness and use it to power us brighter. I'm getting too deep and weird, so here goes..

Christopher and I have been married for a little over 2 years now. They have been great and I've been so blessed to get to know my bf for life better each day of that 2 years. We went into marriage being open and honest about how we felt about having children. We both wanted kids but we were compelled to tell each other that it's possible that something physically could be wrong with us when it came to having them biological. We took it seriously, saying we would adopt if that's where God led us, but we also shrugged it off, cause really, what are the chances.

I've learned as an adult that things rarely go the way we plan them. It's happened so much that I've almost given up completely on planning things (I'm late to places a lot because of this and usually empty handed because I could've sworn this shower wasn't for AT LEAST another week. smh at myself some times).

Back to chances... So apparently the exact number for said chances are 1 in 10. That's how many woman have PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome) and I am the 1. PCOS is the leading cause of female infertility. It also puts woman at a higher risk of heart disease, diabetes, and some types of cancer, just to name a few of the uglies.

I knew I was more likely to have it since my mom did (and apparently there's talk that my grandmother and aunt might've too), but I seriously thought I was in the clear. Cycles on the reg (for the most part). No excess body hair (other than that little patch that I thought all ladies have on their upper lip). So my hairbrush is always full of hair? (I thought all girls' hair fell out that much). Everyone is vitamin D deficient these days, that's nothing to worry about. It's been two years and we haven't conceived? Oh...there may be a problem. Went to the doctor. Got the diagnosis. Was given hope that these days "we can practically make rocks ovulate." and in the next breath after blood work was taken, I was set back down even lower than before, "without help, I don't think it'll happen on it's own."

Let me tell you, not knowing why you aren't pregnant when you want to be is hard. Not conceiving immediately after you realized you wanted to have a baby is hard. Watching your husband refuse to hold newborns because it breaks his heart more that we don't one of our own is hard. But the hardest part so far was hearing, "without help, it's not possible."

I get it. With God all things are possible for those who love him and who are called according to his purpose. He who promised is faithful. God's timing is perfect. Believe it or not, I know that couples try for years and end up pregnant "as soon as they give up." Great for them. And I don't mean that sarcastically. I really don't. I'm just thankful for people like my mom and others who have come forward about their feelings from the in between time. The time between finding out you're body is quite literally broken and the time that God blesses you (or maybe doesn't) with the answer to your prayers. Christopher told me the day I was diagnosed not to lose hope. Just look in the mirror. You're PROOF that this isn't the end of this chapter of our story. I just get so tired of, "So when are you two gonna have kids?!" People mean well, I know they do. But it's all I can do some days to answer without crying. [I'm ranting now, but that article that went viral a couple weeks ago about not asking that question cause it's none of your business, PREACH.] And I know people don't ask out of malice, I just wish we would all realize that our words have power and we have to be sensitive to situations and feelings and the Spirit's leading.

I have come to a certain peace about it all. God has shown up in unexpected ways, whispering he hears every prayer, in every moment, even the dark ones.

So on goes this chapter.. On goes taking one step at time. On goes taking better care of myself cause I'm seriously too lazy for the upkeep that diabetes takes. haha

Please know that your prayers for us and support through these times are treasured more than you know.

Below is a song that came on my ipod yesterday and had me in literal tears during my 2 minute commute home from work. Go listen to it. Now. It's beautiful.

Happiness is somewhere I have been before-
A blurry photograph that I have since ignored.
I'll carefully adjust the aperture once more,
Until I set the record straight.

I'll brush aside the dim, make room for the bright.
I'll be an editor, no, a curator of light.
I'll let my better angels always set me right,
Until I even out the score.
Until I even out the score.

God, it has been quite a year-
I've lived a little bit and I've died a little more.
I know that I've asked it before,
But please let the scale tip here in my favor.

What was once the sweetest melody I've heard
Is now a memory reduced to little words.
I'll tune the orchestra and play the overture,
Until I pinpoint every note.

Give me the heart of an archeologist,
That I may dig until I prove that I exist.
A subterranean cathedral in my midst,
Where echos come to rest.
Where echos come to rest.
Is this where echos come to rest?

God, it has been quite a year-
I've lived a little bit and I've died a little more.
I know that I've asked it before,
But please let the scale tip here in my favor.

Until I set the record straight,
Until I set the record straight,
Until I can set the record straight. 

Aperture by Sleeping at Last

Snap Shots

I was sitting on the couch the other night and in conversation Husband made a comment about me having a boy friend all throughout highschool. I told him that wasn't true, it wasn't until after I had turned 17. But to be honest, I don't exactly remember. I might've been 16, I really don't know.

It's not that it mattered all that much but today I was thinking, What I had always catagorized as the best time of my life (being 16/17, when love and passion were new and I was deciding on who I would become). But now those times are fading. I find myself taking new mental snap shots that are remembered with a more vivid lens. This lens is Choice. This lens is Perspective.

The snap shots are filled with spending quality time with my family, camping and picnics. They are filled with summer nights spent with Husband, relaxing and enjoying life. They are even filled with hard moments, that are nonetheless, still life-changing and perspective altering. Like finding out I have PCOS and Husband telling me to simply look in the mirrow when I'm scared, because I was choosen to exist despite this condition my parents faced and that we now face.

My new snap shots are ones I choose now, not ones that happened just because they were firsts. Whether it's visiting our best friends on the day they buy their first home, or when we finally make the call to see a specialist to start a family, I will continue to choose these snap shot moments, because good or bad, they tell our story. 

9 things I learned from my Whole30

(I wasn't a fan of the #dumpranch at first, but soon enough I was putting it on everything)

During the month of June I decided to do the Whole30 challenge/diet. I have some health things that I knew loosing a little bit of weight would help. I also knew NOTHING about self control when it comes to snacks and sweets. I've always eaten when I'm hungry. That's just the way it's been since...well, probable since I was born. So I jumped all in, without having read the book of what the whole diet is about. Basically the only info I had on it was from a friend who was updating everyday of her Whole30 and Pinterest. [Side note: I did end up borrowing the book from the library. I read about the first quarter of it before I lost interest.] This friend was fixing food that didn't look horrible (for how healthy it was supposed to be) and I thought, "I can handle that." So here goes 9 things I learned during the month of June. 

1. I DON'T HAVE TO EAT MY CRAVINGS. I WILL CONTINUE TO LIVE EVEN IF I DON'T GET WHAT I WANT.

I grew up getting mostly everything I wanted. I wasn't the worst when it came to bratty kids, but I was most definitely spoiled. I have recently see that this has even carried over into the food category of my life. I'll be honest, during the last month I might've thrown more than one temper tantrum. But you know what? I made it through alive.  Go figure.

2. I CAN COOK "BETTER" NOW.

Or at least I feel like I can. Most of the last, almost, two years of marriage (hooray!) I've made most of my meals for myself. Husband and I are rarely home at the same time apart from weekends, so most nights I eat alone. Needless to say, I haven't had a whole lot of practice cooking after I moved out (baking is a much different story). This gave me the chance (and need) to cook for husband and I whether I wanted to or not. Practice, practice, practice. He would be the first to tell you that not everything I cooked was good, but most of it was at least edible. 

3. I STILL DON'T LOVE BLACK COFFEE.

I know this probably sounds silly, but I didn't grow to love black coffee like I originally thought I would during all this. I did however learn what the different coffee roasts actually taste like (and they are not ALL created equal) because I wasn't drowning them is sugary creamer. If I'm being completely honest, creamer is what I missed the most. 

4. HOMEMADE PALEO MAYO IS LITERALLY THE BEST.

I am thinking this is something I will continue to make on the reg. I ate it with literally everything (I'm a dipper. I love to dip pretty much anything I eat in at least one type of sauce) and it didn't have any of the extra crap store bought mayo has (seriously, take a look sometime at the label for that stuff. Nasty!). Baked potatoes cut up, pan fried with a little ghee or coconut  oil and a couple fried eggs with a dollop of this stuff was my proverbial bread&butter breakfast go-to most of the month. I used this recipe.

5. PMS IS NO EXCUSE.

I always thought that i craved terrible foods because of my hormones every month... Although they may be a bit louder than usual during this time, I think I was just craving back foods because I was addicted to them and my girly issues were my excuse. 

6. ON THE AVERAGE, I ACTUALLY LIKE MOST VEGETABLES.

I know, I know, I'm 25 and I should be eating my greens on a regular basis on my own, but I don't wanna (said in a super winy voice). Through my Whole30 though, I was really surprised to find out that I didn't mind eating mostly veggies. I found a new love for romaine lettuce and sweet potatoes (not together, ew). I also felt more adventurous to try new types of fruits and vegetables which I plan to continue.

7. WHEN I EAT BETTER, I FEEL BETTER.

You would think this would go without saying, but after eating Mexican food without reservation today, I really on the whole, feel better. And there's no like way to describe the better I felt. Just overall, better. 

8. IT IS POSSIBLE FOR ME TO LOSE WEIGHT WITHOUT STARVING MYSELF.

I know it's not all about how much weight you lose, and honestly, I don't think anyone can tell but me. But isn't that what counts? I feel like I look better even though I only lost a few pounds. Confidence, man. And I wasn't even exercising regularly or starving myself and it happened! That's a small win for my brain machine. 

9. IT'S POSSIBLE TO SAY "NO" BUT IT ISN'T ALWAYS EASY.

I really learned how to say "no thank" this past month. And I'll be completely honest, there were a couple days that it either wasn't possible for me to eat Whole30 compliant or it was rude. That might sound like an excuse but when it's Father's Day and the only thing your father wants is a KFC style family picnic at his favorite park, how do you say no to that?! And also weddings right after you get off work and when your in-laws take you out to eat. Life can't be avoided sometimes. I learned to say "no thank you" and I also learned to forgive myself for that one meal wasn't completely compliant (and it's not like my tummy didn't punish me for it later anyways.)