speak

For the first time in forever I sat down to read the "recommended chapters" that my nifty little Bible app suggested. I always know that there's power in what's there before I read it.
Power to speak. Power to live. Power to change.
But it is still hard to begin. I suppose it is because when it comes to the power of God, in His Word, the people to whom he was speaking were always afraid. Sometimes afraid of the change itself, because it would be different and they were stuck in their ways, complacent. Sometimes, afraid because of the way He chose to speak. In the thunder, in a burning bush, or simply in the quiet whisper of the heart. Just sitting there, doing your own thing and God shows up. I think living in the Old Testament times would have been better in that way. God showed up when he wanted to. It seems to me now, with all of our high tech distractions, we have to choose to be close to God to hear him. I know he can speak up whenever he wants, but I think more he's chosen us to live in this type of world on purpose (because what has He really left up to chance? nothing.) He chose us knowing we have what it takes to speak up, to break down and read his carefully chosen words to us, whether we're scared of the change, or just the sheer mightiness of who He is.

I'm terrified of both.

At times I have convinced myself that I'm happy being content. But it's more like I'm frozen stiff, afraid that if I should chose to hear, to open my ears and listen, that He would tell me what He's created me for and I would fail.
But I know (in a very small sense) what I've been created for, I've done little bits of it before and not failed. Why am I still afraid? What if he's wrong about me? What if the CREATOR of the freaking universe, the one who thought up how this all works and governs it day in and day out for eternity, is wrong about the plans he has for me!?!?!
That seriously just sounds absurd.
But I know I'm not alone. I know that "there's nothing new under the sun" as Ecclesiastes tells us. This has all been felt before and will be felt again by some other insecure, stupid stupid person who can't just accept good things.
But I'm learning.